Internonymous.

At the moment I'm thinking about the Internet and how we have the capability to be largely anonymous. Some people call it keyboard confidence: using the anonymity of the Internet to say things that you wouldn't necessarily have the fortitude to say in real life.

I've been guilty of it. I've commented on blogs when something offended me but I didn't want the responsibility of continuing to defend my point. I once created an alter ego on a public forum to say things to some people that I wasn't brave enough to say under my real name. I'm ashamed of it, and I wouldn't do it again. It was a lie, it felt like a copout, it was beneath my true self.

And here's the thing: I got caught. Someone who knew me well enough, caught on to my voicing and the (trademark?) sarcasm that comes out when I'm annoyed. She emailed me and told me she knew it was me. Even before that I was really embarrassed with myself; but then knowing that someone who I respected and had gotten to know, knew who I was and saw right through my alter ego. . . well that was humiliating. Because it's not LIKE me to hide my opinion from someone. But sometimes it seems so much easier than either saying what you think, or realizing that what you're thinking isn't something you should be thinking and maybe you need to work through some issues.

Which is ultimately what I did. That experience made me take a long, hard look at myself, and ask myself why I would feel the need to hide behind an alter? Is it because I'm afraid? If so, I need to either be unafraid to stand up for what I know. Am I ashamed? If so, I need to change whatever it is within myself that makes me want to say unkind things.

Fortunately, good changes have come. Like all of us, I have a heck of a long way to go, but at least I'm on my way.


Actually, it was a relief to know that I am never truly anonymous. I am who I am, and those who know me, know me. I have a recognizable persona that is mine alone; unique attributes that, for better or worse, mark who I am. It's also good to know that I am capable of change, even though I fight it at times.