Payoffs.

I've put so much work into my business, and it's finally starting to pay off. I'm actually making money. I'm pouring money into it, too, but I've made enough to pay for our groceries and to start paying down the credit card.

I can't credit myself though. I had to really pray. I had to go to Heavenly Father personally and tell Him that I needed help. The biggest thing was making a commitment to pay tithing. I've done that, monthly, on time, and that has made all the difference.

I'm coming out of the funk I've been in for the last couple of weeks, as well. I feel like a black cloud is lifting and there's light again. I can see hope again, I feel happy again.

As far as the kids go, I've decided that I do not like 3 years old. This is not a fun stage. Okay, there are fun parts; mostly Abby's incredible memory and ability to convey what she's thinking. I need to watch it though, she's starting to mimick a lot. I was making a graphic of Santa Clause the other day, and she was watching, and when I finished, she asked, "Is that the whole damn Santa?". Oops. :p On the flip side, she's learning to talk like Napoleon, which is just great. At my brother's house, she went into the toy room and said, "Look at all these SWEET toys!", and a minute later, "Yeah, this is sure some sweet stuff!". She's infuriating at times, but gosh I love her.

Postpartum Depression.

Crap. I thought I dodged the bullet this time. But it's becoming very clear that there is a source for the despair and helplessness I'm feeling. Yes, folks, I have PPD again. At least now that I've recognized it, I can fight it.

On another topic, why do women have to be so dang dramatic? This time in reference to someone I serve with at church. She has a problem with me. I don't do things the way she does. But instead of confronting it head-on and telling me straight out if there's really a problem (she is my superior, of sorts), she uses backhanded compliments and passive-aggressive stunts to undermine me. It's really starting to upset me. I talked to the lady that is over both of us a couple of weeks ago. I think she called because this first lady in question has been complaining to her about me. Anyway, I told the pres that I have obligations to my family this month, so I wouldn't be as available. . . but I also told her that that would change, and that I am commited to my calling. She said that was fine, that things happen that way sometimes, and that I need to take care of my family. But clearly I need to talk to her again and make sure it really IS fine, because Ms. Superior is having a cow over something that shouldn't be an issue, and I certainly don't want to be "fired" or pegged inactive or whatever this lady is trying to accomplish by doing these things to me.

Anna is 5 months old now. What a fun age. She's big enough that she's out of that fragile newborn stage. She's chunky and cuddly and has a great sense of humor and a contagious laugh. Abby is 3 years and 2 months. She is growing and learning so quickly. She says things that alternately shock me and crack me up. Who knew a 3 year old could have such sophisticated ideas about things, let alone the ability to articulately express those ideas? I guess with a mother who is so very fond of talking, she would learn to talk early on, as well.

Matt will hopefully start school soon. Business is picking up for me; hopefully that trend will continue. We are, as anyone, trying to strike balance in our lives. Unfortunately when you wear many hats, something somewhere gets neglected. But we are trying, and improving all the time.

And I'll continue to fight this beast called Postpartum Depression until it's gone again.

Are you ever just tired?

I don't just mean physically. I mean every part of your self just gives out.

Maybe I'm trying to do too much, I don't know. The problem is, if I don't do too much, we sink. I just feel like, for all my effort and everything I'm trying so hard to accomplish, there isn't much progress happening.

Money is interesting. It drives so many things. For some it is a source of comfort, for some it is power, for many it is security. On the other hand it can be a great stressor, or a horrible temptation.

But it's necessary.

I really think I could live the law of consecration with no problem. It's so hard to see material injustices. Some people work so hard to hold on to the little bit that they have, and others have more handed to them than they know what to do with. Living in an absolute community, where everyone is contributing their talents, and everyone has what they need and then some, regardless of the *type* of contribution they make. . . that would really be heaven. Not as it is now, where some moral-dereft entertainer lives the high life, while teachers and military servicemen and mothers are so poorly compensated (or not at all) for the important work that they do.

My thoughts are jumbled but that's very fitting. That's how my head is right now. Claustrophobic. Usually when I try to think things through, I can find at least one path of clarity, but today it just seems that wherever my thoughts and ideas lead me, I remain stuck where I am.

Definitely not for lack of effort.